ABOUT THE MALTESE

ABOUT THE MALTESE

An insider’s (not so humerous) view

about the way Maltese people behave   

Some time ago, while waiting for my departure at Heathrow airport to Malta, I overheard two presumably Englishmen who were waiting for the same flight. They were sharing notes on what they knew about Malta and the Maltese. Apparently one of them had previously spent quite some time on the Mediterranean island and was thus imparting knowledge from past experience. He was saying something like: ‘Now then, when we land at Malta’s airport do not be surprised to see an oversized crowd of friends and relatives waiting for their beloved one returning from a week’s holiday. It will seem as if they are waiting for a celebrity to appear at any time from behind the screens of the arrival lounge. Whiling away their time, they will be engaged in a variety of very loud conversations, shouting their top off while gesticulating wildly. While conversing they will usually not allow one another to finish off their sentence, just to make their point feel more siginificantly important. There is however, no intimidation involved; they simply want to join in a friendly argument.’

There is this and many others remarks to share about some of the peculiarities of the Maltese. In the following paragraphs I shall be airing some of my favourite observations on the more common traits of my fellow citizens, some of which traits are not always complimentary. A word of caution. Of course, I can make any sweeping statements I like about the Maltese because we live in a state where free speech is permissible. Nevertheless, as with any other nation, one just cannot classify all of us in the same package.  

A nation of Maltese gemgem?

The above expression must have been coined some time ago by our British expats living in Malta, in the good old days. A time when thousands of Maltese worked with the Admiralty of the British Navy and its ancillaries. All would feel elated to be working for the British Empire, and reported for duty each morning at their respective workplace striving to bag their wages on Fridays. Mind you, while many were those who took their job responsibly and conscientiously, others were there just to earn their living from the Queen’s coffers and yet would daily grumble about the duties they were assigned. These lot were known as Maltese gemgem or jagħli għax jisbaħ, meaning, persons who refrain to open their bedroom window just to see the light of day.

Talking about the light of day, you will always encounter those going about their daily lives complaining about any subject under the sun. For instance, if the weather is fine you will find those who are simply bothered by the temperature as being too hot or too cold, whether it is a majjistral or else a scirocco. Worse still if it is a North Easterly – a strong gregale! The ‘grumpies’ act as if mother nature owes them something. And what about the lady of the house? Well, if it is a windy day, then she will be highly irked by the strong winds because she is about to miss out on hanging her freshly washed clothes on the rooftop washlines. What if all the underwear is blown away to god knows where, perhaps landing at Ta’ Qali Stadium or on top of the village parish belfry?’  

And talking about parish belfries …. those more pious amongst the Maltese who head to mass on Sundays are the same who during their short visit in church will relentlessly mutter to themselves that there is a cold draught coming from somewhere. Then again, in the heat of summer they will again complain that the soft breeze from the ventilating fans is bothering them. So much for the donations offered to purchase brand new fans for their own comfort! One may even grumble out loud if the officiating priest is taking too long to finish off his sermon – ‘kemm se jtawwalha madunna!’

Two Tribes

Let’s talk about the Maltese people’s two tribes’ stance … Their top spheres of interest – after the welfare of their family of course – are politics, football and the village feasts. When it comes to politics, it is a known fact that half the Maltese tend to vote to one of the two main political parties, while the other half does the the same to elect their preferred party. In Malta, political allegiances, are as old as Fortunato Mizzi and Sigisimondo Savona. Nothing less than 95 per cent of the Maltese go to the election polls, willingly, even if dragged off their death bed. 

I once met an Englishman who said to me … ‘I have come to learn from my own experience that if I want to make friends with a Maltese, then I need to get him into a lively but friendly debate. Then we always end up having a beer together and depart with a handshake. Well I can almost concur, but for the locals I would advise them not to debate anything which has to do with politics. Instead of a handshake one might end up with a fist fight.

Another sphere of great passion is football: the pro-Italians and the pro-English supporters are the most vociferous. During the World Cup tournament, flags are hoisted high on rooftops. If the favourite team wins, then one is bound to hear elated cries like  … ‘irbaħna!’ – fans will take to the streets in individual carcades to celebrate. Woe betide, if their team loses, then these would stay sulking for a whole week at home, as if one of their family members just died.

And what about the feasts of the saints of the localities? We are so proud that our festa is attended by the thousands. Here too, there are often two supporting tribes in many localities. It is as if in life, the Maltese need to take sides on all matters. The attendees for the festa are not only from the same town or village but may come from the neighbouring localities. Relatives who had emigrated years earlier to god knows where would fly home to enjoy the festa and meet their next of kin. Residents have their doors open, if for nothing else, to show off their nicely furnished salott to passers by. Then there are the die hard festa fans (those whose main passion in the summer months is to be present at each and every feast). These are not always to be found in the main square mingling with others … some may take their position seated in their own automobile or else on a field wall outside the village merely to enjoy the fireworks. Fireworks of course, play a signgificant part in the feasts of patron saints. After all, saints always aimed towareds heaven during their life time. You will of course have those who complain amongst themselves about the loud bangs of the fireworks while enjoying the colourful display in the skies.

Maċo Men

In everyday life, some tend to show themselves off as true machos. They may do so in various ways, in their attire, in the way they hold themselves, in the way they talk loud and sometimes vulgar. You will observe other machos as they drive past in their vehicle. Watch their left hand on the steering wheel while the right arm is held dangling outside the car window. Then there are those drivers who are always in a hurry. These hate slowing down whenever they are rounding corners; they simply refrain from pressing their foot on the breaks pedal. Instead, whenever required, they happily press the palm of their hand hard on the klaxon to warn all creatures that they are driving past and fast. Why bother? Simply because they do not give a hoot! (pun intended). And what about the light indicators to signal to those concerned that they are going to take a side turn? No way will they do that! (another pun intended) – ‘What will other drivers think of them if they switch on indicators? That they are a bunch of pussies?’ Meantime as they whizz by, their car stereo is blaring Macho Macho Man (by the Village People) loud for all to hear.

Poker Faced sales persons

Another thing that stands out among the Maltese is that at shopping outlets. Smiles and welcoming hellos are rare. When entering a shop a client is more often than not met with a blank stare by the salesperson. It is as if the sales person is miopic or that s/he is trained to let his/her eyes glance fall in mid-air without reaching the customer. I am not saying that each person who enters the shop should be greeted by a Mr. Bean type of smile. But just a friendly twitch of the lips would surely not hurt.  No hugs or kisses on the cheeks? No that is for the French!  When the client is about to pay for the product chosen he is confronted with a poker faced salesperson who often gives simply an ‘let’s get with it shall we’ attitude as money exchanges hands. Pity … some customer care training here would be appropriate.

Careful what you wish for

Another oddity about the Maltese, although nowadays not so common, one that verges on the superstitious … when complementing someone about his appearance one should add the words ‘alla jbierek‘ – god blesses. This is also a valid advice when complimenting a mother for her beautiful bouncing toddler or baby in push chair – ‘alla jberikha‘ must follow the complimentary remarks. If it is a new car that one has bought then instead of a compliment one should pronounce an ‘ir-risq!’ – meaning ‘good luck!’ as if the driver is not trained enough to enjoy his vehicle for a long time to come. Don’t over compliment as otherwise your compliment may well be weighed under suspicion as possibly having other ulterior motives such as intending to cast the ‘evil eye’.

All Saints and All Souls

Let me mention another trait about the Maltese, most of whom are born and raised as Roman Catholics. It is our habit of constantly invoking the name of saints either as an insult towards them personally or else to praise them for any qualified or unqualifed occasion. In Roman Catholic Malta, while the more pious would often praise God or the Holy Virgin, others would rather use profanity that include the names of saints amongst many other explicits.

Also referred to very often are the souls in Purgatory. I find this rather comical because many mention the souls in Purgatory for any superfluous reasons. Such instances include occasions when simply drinking a glass of water, topping it up with an ‘Għall-erwieħ!’ meaning I dedicate / offer this to the benefit of those souls in Purgatory. Now that is all fine and harmless. But what about when we mention the same souls as they remain immersed in purification fire just because we burp loudly? We go so far as to repeat this whenever there is some sort of bowel movement and that includes breaking wind!

Missing Emotions?

The Maltese do not normally like to show much of any endearing emotions towards one another. Hugging has now become civil and a la mode when in social gatherings since we have been mixing with foreigners, such as the French, Italians, Dutch and Germans – I am intentionally excluding the British. Another thing, I am pretty sure that most Maltese have never uttered the words ‘I love you’, ‘inħobbok’, throughout their life to most of their beloved ones – except when a mother or grandma fuss over their child, or maybe their pet dog. The Americans are full of ‘I love you’ such as when on the phone or about to exit their home. The Maltese rarely utter any such words. In the traditional families, for a farewell comment one wouls say bezzjoni ‘bless ma / pa‘ but never, ‘I love you mum or dad’. It’s not because Maltese people do not love their kin, its just that they shy away from revealing too much of their inner feelings. But just try stepping on their toes! There and then, they will send you to hell and back!

Maltese Humour

One positive trait amongst the Maltese is that they love humour, in spite of the locally claimed adage that the Maltese don’t even know the meaning of it. I am referring both to personal humour, that which may be expressed between freinds and that which is staged in theatres etc. Audiences tend to appreciate a joke especially if the comedian or narrator commands a charismatic persona. For the best results to make the local audience react to humour on stage the entertainer often needs to don an attire that will make him look different than his usual self. For instance, in a monograph or comic sketch one may observe that the actors may dress up as: a senile character – cross dressing, but not necessarily a drag queen – an uncouth character (ħamallu) / cum roughneck, or else dressed in simple attire to and acting the role of a simpleton. Such comedians often require a sparring partner to build up a sketch with risible dialogue. Vulgar jokes are of course always well received with belly shaking laughter as anywhere in the permissible society. The transgression of all that is sacred and taboo always works out well in humour.

The Maltese are good people

Man to man, most of the Maltese are generous and open hearted, ready to intervene in any way needed. All are ready to assist on the word go. In big towns abroad, if a person walking down the street and suddenly feels sick and falls down unconscious to the ground, a simple telephone call for an ambulance would be the required action. Then, the caller will continue on his way, knowing that others who are paid to assist will soon arrive and take care of the person in their professional way. Cool !

This is not the case in Malta – if someone faints, say in the middle of Republic Street, a sizeable crowd will quickly gather around the victim to see what the matter is with him – just in case they happen to know the guy. Everyone starts to air their disgust at the pot hole into which the victim must have stumbled. They will most probably blame the Public Works Department for the shoddy work done to the pavement. All present will assist to raise the person lying on the ground. Someone will haul a chair from a nearby cafė. No one however, has as yet phoned for the ambulance and yet people will start complaining about the national health service because the ambulance is nowhere to be seen. The crowd around this poor man grows dense and closer to the victim who is now suffering from lack of oxygen and soon dies on the spot. Someone will call the nearest parish for a priest to come recite prayers over the dead body. Then the crowd disperses – just because no one wants to get involved in providing a statement to the police about the incident!

Hopefully, in a future article I will share my views on other idiosyncracies of my fellow Maltese citizens.

Martin Morana  ©

A huge thank you to Mario Casha for the cartoons.

19^th   December 2024

There is more to read about the Maltese in the book MALTESE HUMOUR – BUT SERIOUSLY …. available at stationers and online on Amazon – Kindle.

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